{"id":3543,"date":"2015-04-20T09:00:49","date_gmt":"2015-04-20T13:00:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/elbowglitter.com\/blog\/?p=3543"},"modified":"2015-04-20T09:14:16","modified_gmt":"2015-04-20T13:14:16","slug":"a-brain-dump-about-pace-and-time-and-inferiority","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elbowglitter.com\/blog\/2015\/04\/20\/a-brain-dump-about-pace-and-time-and-inferiority\/","title":{"rendered":"A brain dump about pace and time and inferiority"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’ve been playing around with this post for nearly a week now, not exactly sure what I’m writing or where it’s going. \u00a0So I’m just going to do a brain dump and leave it at that.<\/p>\n

I’ve had a pretty good trend with my running as of late. \u00a0I’ve had some major improvements and some amazing races. \u00a0Last weekend, I had a blast running with Betsy during the Cherry Blossom Almost Ten Miler and we kept up a really solid pace.<\/p>\n

But emotionally, my slow pace is just getting to me. \u00a0I’ve gotten so much faster over the past few months thanks to a coach<\/a> who is pushing me just the right amount, but the harder I work, the more I notice that I’m still one of the slow ones, and it bothers me. \u00a0It doesn’t make me want to quit, but it’s not been good for my motivation either.<\/p>\n

This is tough to put out there because I am such a big fan\u00a0of the slower runners and the slower triathletes. \u00a0I have friends who are faster than me and I have friends who are slower than me, and I couldn’t care less about their finish times. \u00a0I’m so proud of everyone who gets out there. \u00a0Your finish time doesn’t matter. \u00a0It shouldn’t matter. \u00a0And yet suddenly, I’m finding that my finish times do matter to me.<\/p>\n

I’m not sure what it is. \u00a0I am a proud Galloway runner. \u00a0I run\/walk. \u00a0And yet so many times, I hear “Come on, stop walking!” \u00a0Or “With time, you’ll end up running longer and longer intervals and won’t need to walk anymore.” \u00a0As if there’s something wrong with my run\/walk. \u00a0It’s gotten a lot of people out there, and honestly, I wouldn’t be able to run if I weren’t running intervals.<\/p>\n

I was chatting with someone from a local triathlon group at the Cherry Blossom expo, and I asked about the time limit. \u00a0“Oh, you’ll be fine. \u00a0No one ever gets cut, and if they do, they deserved it.” \u00a0As I chatted with this guy more, I realized how down he was on the slower triathletes. \u00a0Another woman walked up to chat with us and commented that she was an Athena, and felt the need to say “I’m faster than I look.” \u00a0As if there’s something wrong with being a larger woman in triathlon. \u00a0(Note, this woman was not what I would call large. \u00a0She was tall with broad shoulders that made her look like a scary good swimmer though.)<\/p>\n

As I was dumping this all on my coach, she made a good point. \u00a0I do have a physical limitation that will always keep me slower, and it’s tough because that limitation is invisible. \u00a0I always downplay my heart rate issues, because they’re not that big of a deal in the whole scheme of things. \u00a0I can still do everything I want to do, just maybe not at the level I want to. \u00a0In short, my heart rate likes to skyrocket when I workout. \u00a0If I push too hard during that one minute run interval, my heart rate easily reaches over 185. \u00a0I do my best to keep it under 185, and have my Garmin set to alert me when it hits that point. \u00a0I usually try to keep my heart rate in the upper 170’s.<\/p>\n

(Note that the common equation for recommended heart rate during exercise puts me at under 160. \u00a0So this is still a higher heart rate than many people are working at.)<\/p>\n

The problem is that when my (or your) heart rate gets too high, your heart isn’t pumping efficiently. \u00a0I’m not an expert in biology by any means, but from what I understand, the chambers don’t have time to fill completely. \u00a0Ultimately, this just means that my body won’t be able to keep up the pace I’ve set and I will naturally slow down. \u00a0But if I push this limit too much, I feel awful after my run. \u00a0It can’t be good for me. \u00a0Before I was diagnosed, I caught a stomach bug and just couldn’t bounce back. \u00a0I was exhausted all the time and really not in a good place physically. \u00a0I think it was all related to completely running down my body. \u00a0I never want to be in that position again.<\/p>\n

But just writing this out makes it feel like an excuse. \u00a0Like I have to explain why I’m so slow. \u00a0It shouldn’t matter to me or anyone! \u00a0Maybe it’s just frustration because I am working so hard and I’m realizing that I will never be fast. \u00a0My fastest 10 mile race was around a 1:50. \u00a0Pretty slow. \u00a0And I remember feeling awful afterwards. \u00a0But I don’t know that I’ll ever get back to that.<\/p>\n

You know what? \u00a0It sucks. \u00a0It sucks to have this limitation. \u00a0It sucks to know that no matter how hard I work, I will never be fast. \u00a0It sucks to hear people saying “Oh, a 5:30 marathon? \u00a0That’s nothing to brag about,” and knowing that I will never run a 5:30 marathon. \u00a0Yes, I’m getting faster, but physically, there’s a limit for me. \u00a0And I don’t like it.<\/p>\n

I guess I don’t have to like it though. \u00a0I just have to accept it.<\/p>\n

Of course, I’m glad to know why I was feeling so wrecked after my races. \u00a0Who knows what kind of damage I would have done to my body if I had kept it up. \u00a0More likely, I would have given up completely. \u00a0I would have never even thought about doing triathlons.<\/p>\n

Admittedly, I’m in pretty good shape right now thanks to all my training. \u00a0My legs look fabulous, to the point where I’m actually excited to show them off in cute summer skirts. \u00a0And while I haven’t taken measurements or gotten on the scale, I feel pretty confident in how I look.\u00a0My body is far from perfect, but right now, I just don’t care. \u00a0So not only am I seeing improvement in my running, but my self confidence has increased and my legs look amazing.<\/p>\n

I’d love to be able to come up with some great lesson here. \u00a0Something about not worrying about other people and just doing your thing. \u00a0And I guess that’s true. \u00a0But maybe this is also about how sometimes the doubts creep in and you just need to accept them sometimes and know that you don’t always have to be positive. \u00a0But you do have to keep going.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’ve been playing around with this post for nearly a week now, not exactly sure what I’m writing or where it’s going. \u00a0So I’m just going to do a brain dump and leave it at that. 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